Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
