I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
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He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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