Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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