We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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