I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
