so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
