I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
