Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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