Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
