I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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