the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
