he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
