Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
