my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
