So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
