Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

(763): View more from Minnesota

Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.

Fav 115 6839 1107
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

Fav 20 2186 4604
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(203): View more from Connecticut

I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too

Fav 7 1044 2901
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.

Fav 9 4082 1024
share tweet
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Read it at the TFLN blog
(678): View more from Georgia

Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!

Fav 4 1856 878
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

Fav 10 5136 995
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(269): View more from Michigan

A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

Fav 8 2758 1034
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(315): View more from New York

Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry

Fav 5 791 483
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(805): View more from California

I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.

Fav 1 93 132
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT