My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
