My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
