using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
