Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
