Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
