I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
