You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
