I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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