I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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