he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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