I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
