Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
