yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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