How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
