you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize