My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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