I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
