I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
