How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
