I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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