Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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