Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
