I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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