i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
