I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
