Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
