my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
