dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
