The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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