life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
