you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
