New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
