If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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