Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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