Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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