well I can't set my house on fire every night
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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