if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
