I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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