i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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