I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
as a side note pls kill me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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