So drunk its hurt
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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