I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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