Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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