i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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