Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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