a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
