just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
