all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Randomize
